A Letter to My Day Old Niece

Hello there beautiful. Welcome to planet earth. Your mummy and daddy (the one with the ready- to- drink stuff and the one who keeps on making silly faces and sillier sounds) have not yet given you a name, so I and my friends have decided you shall be called Twirra. I know- you are crying in joy.

So, what words of wisdom do I want to impart today? Well first of all, never EVER come to me for that. The kid sleeping across from you in hospital is far more likely to give better counsel than I. However, if you choose to disregard this advice and still come looking for pearls of wisdom from me, then these are the ten things that your aunt Mag thinks you really need to know;

1. Stay away from boys. I mean it. Stay far far far away from them. When you are younger they will delight in pulling your hair, calling you names and presenting you with all manner of weird creatures just to see you cry. When you are a little older, they will do the same things, only this time they will be thinking it will make you like them. *sigh*. Boys are stupid. Unfortunately, if you do not listen to my advice, you will soon find yourself falling for those hair pulling etc stunts, and THAT’S when you are in trouble, because one of those pesky devils will worm his way into your heart. I have your back though- first thing tomorrow morning I am getting me a shotgun. He breaks your heart, I break his head.

2. I don’t know what music you will be listening to when you hit musical puberty, but if God is merciful, the hip-hop stage will have long since passed. A word from your wise old aunt. Don’t judge us by any music genres that were popular after the mid 90s. Mankind kinda suffered collective mass hysteria after that, resulting in hip hop and rock and all those other genres and sub genres. Look out for the really good music that was produced before then. Especially country music. Your aunt knows what she is talking about.

3. I intend to give you your first story book on your 3rd birthday. I hope I am not leaving it too late. There are lots of new friends just waiting for you in the covers of those books. Make sure you meet as many of them as possible. And that you let them take you on all sorts of great adventures. Then you will stay away from the nasty hair-pullers.

4. Fish and pizza are brain food. Do not however try eating them together. Veggies are good too, especially the greens. Sweet potatoes though – well, the less you see of them the better for you.

5. Stay away from your crazy aunt. No,  not me : the other one- the one they call Drama Mama. DM will only teach you the bad stuff. Stick with me though and you will turn out into a  perfect angel,  just like your aunt. Yes, I meant me- and hey, you are too young to start laughing!

6. I don’t know what the future holds in  the internet arena. I am sure though that you are going to be a whizz at it, whatever IT is. Just make sure you explain it SLOWLY to your dear aunt, so she remains ‘with it’. After all she is the one who will be introducing you to the net very shortly.

7. Whatever you do, if you remember nothing else, remember this: well cooked ugali always smells like popcorn. This cardinal truth must never be forgotten.

8. As much as it may seem impossible to believe, your dear old aunt does not, in fact know everything. I know this comes as a shock to you. It is one of the astonishing realities of life you and many others have had to come to grips with. The truth is that there are one or two subjects that I may actually have very little knowledge of. Like Fashion. And Cars. And IT. And Fitness. And Gadgets. And… well maybe we should not dwell too much on the negatives.

9. Since I love you and want the best for you, I am already in the advance stages of getting you a husband. I believe he is a very suitable young man I am told he is only slightly older than you and a very handsome, very clever young man. Your parents might make noises about how I have not actually met the young man in question but only transacted with his aunt on the internet. They may say horrible stuff about me like how I took the dowry and “ate’ it before your first birthday. That is all nonsense- I had your best interests at heart always. And any way- his aunt says he is a good boy so who am I to contradict her?

10. There is no number 10. Life can be cruel like that. I am just prepping you for the heartache you may experience from broken promises. OK… if you insist then I will give you just one last piece of advice: value your friends and never ever take them for granted. Learn from your dear old aunt.

There you go dear; lots of extremely important advice just for you. I intend to come live with you when I am old and senile, so take heed of everything I tell you. It will help you grow into a perfect woman, just like me.

Have a great life baby girl. You are always going to be my precious darling.

Your aunt Mag

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