Blah Blah Blama

Happy New Year from the land of Magaribina (it sounds like an exotic island, doesn’t it?) I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas break and you are ready to go back to building the nation – or derailing the nation builders in the case of some who shall not be named.

Well, New Year is confession time, so I guess I had better get this off my chest. I had every intention of committing blogicide last year. In fact, those who checked in around November found a big padlock at the door and an ‘admission by invitation only’ sign displayed very prominently. My intention, basically, was to keep the door closed until nobody bothered to show up any more, then quietly kill it.

Unfortunately for me, three things happened in December almost simultaneously. First, I was asked to write a post by one of my favouritestest bloggers and tweeps, the dazzling Nkirdizzle. Of course I said a big fat N. O. However, this girl is not one to accept lame excuses from anyone. ‘I don’t care if you have to beg borrow or steal that mojo, miss. I want a post, at least 700 words long and I want it in 488 hours’, she told me very sternly.

Well, my mojo was so terrified, it quickly made a technical appearance, as a result of which I wrote this post. If you have time, do head over there and read some choice posts by Nkirdizzle’s 11 other guest bloggers that will make you laugh, cry and think.

Anyway, after I handed in my homework the lady informed me that she would only publish it if my blog was unlocked. I opened my mouth to tell her that not publishing it was ok with me, but I swear I felt her reach out from across the blogosphere and give me a ngoto. And that is how in the early days of December, the signpost was removed and my blog once more became accessible.

Barely two days later event number two occurred. This time it was one KBaab who conspired to mess with my plans. The lady decided to borrow a leaf from Ocampo, and publish her own list, the KBaab 16 . Check it out if you haven’t already – the list contains the names  and addresses of some of Kenya’s finest bloggers.

(I hear some annoying people at the back asking how I got onto this list. Well, my conscience is clear and I shall soon be vindicated … wait … it is a GOOD thing to be on this list ! So to you my detractors I simply say SHADDUP !!)

So there I was, hobnobbing with the blogeratti. I could not close my blog again just then, because haiya- what if she in turn decided to remove my name from the list ? No way was I going to risk that.

Of course I had no intention whatsoever of actually writing anything in the next 20 years or so. That was before I got hit by the whirlwind that is Raymond Chepwony. I don’t know what kind of juju the guy uses , but he has about 1,000,000 followers. (I think he pays them to read – which reminds me : Boss  wapi check yangu?) How do I know? Because the guy sent traffic my way one day , and suddenly I was deluged by hits.

Seriously, courtesy of the three bloggers, I have been getting traffic here that I haven’t seen since .. well … never to be frank. I mean, how embarrassing is it that my top three days hit-wise, were on a week when I had not posted anything for 2 months? Sheesh!  ( I thought I would be able to insert a graph but who am I kidding?)

Ray, though, takes the prize. Here I am contemplating a silent closure, when he sends people my way, and shortly after that announces very loudly that he has retired his blog. Ray! Ray! You stole my move!!. I mean, now if I retire everybody will think I am copying you. Mscheeeew! If you don’t go back to blogging ASAP so that I can retire in style then I am going to the police to report you for theft of intellectual property, contrary to some article or another in the new constitution!

In the meantime, as I wait for the police to arrest and personhandle Ray, I will keep the blog open for a little while longer. But things are changing drastically here, and you better be aware of this immediately.

For starters, you guys are not going to overwork me like you did last year. You had me working overtime, no sleep, churning out a record 1 post in two months. No regard for my high levels of exhaustion, no understanding when I was only a month behind schedule , and worst of all no MPesa gifts to stir up the old mojo. Well your slave-driving days are over. To paraphrase Ngugi wa Thiong NgaBLOGa Ndeeda!

Also, this year I am going to try and do something different, something I came up with all by myself (shut up Nzembi). Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Blog Chama – the Blama.

Sigh – I can see some blank faces in the room .Let me explain. You have heard of the chama, aka the merry-go-round. Group congregates regularly, gives money to one of the members( In turns so at the end of a ‘round’ everyone has received the boom) have lots of food and drink and in some cases collect enough money to do some serious development.

The Blama (TM , Patent pending , all rights reserved) will be a chance for one to host a number of bloggers ( kind of like what Nkirdizzle did) and get tens of good quality posts, after which the whole lot migrate to someone else’s blog and do the same thing all over again.  The process is repeated till all the bloggers have played host to the Blama members.

The Blama can be formed in all manner of ways. It could be blogs that write similar types of posts ( so that one Blama could have techies like myself, IddSalim , Kachwanya and others of our calibre) It could be a themed coop job (again, kinda like what Nkirdizzle did) or it could just be random guys stretching themselves by writing posts that are not in their usual areas of expertise ( I am sure, for instance that CarolKmail can’t wait for my post  “10 Secrets to Successful Parenting that Non-Parents wish Every Parent Knew’)

Just remember that I have the patent for this idea , therefore I am the Blama Queen. Anyone forming a Blama therefore has to pay royalities. My Mpesa number will be found at the end of this post.

Finally , this is a polite reminder to the people who promised calendars and diaries last year and failed to deliver: Pay up now or else! I have a few tough looking cousins who will be only too willing to drop by your houses and pick up the goods.

By the way, I have a mini post ready and waiting in the kitchen (courtesy of Bomseh’s Tag), which I shall unleash tomorrow or the day after ( my blog guru told me to never ever release two posts in one day – actually he said to release a post every  week, but when have I ever listened to him?)

Have an amazingly blessed year everyone

About these ads