To my Valentine- with Love and Cheese

 

Happy VD everybody !! No? You don’t think that particular greeting captures the spirit of the day? Well, I am certainly not going to wish you a ‘ Valentine’s Dei wenye fanaka’ so I guess we can just shelve the whole greetings thing altogether .

So, what great plans do you have for this auspicious day? Any young man making a mad dash to his fundi this morning for a red Valentine’s day suit? If there is one and you are reading this (and I do not doubt that there is at least one) please ensure you post a picture of yourself and your probably-not-so-gruntled date.

Girls, I hope that those of you who expect presents from their SOs will be luckier than me in the gifts they receive. I used to think I was the unluckiest gal in the world for dating guys who just don’t get it (or are too cheap to want to get it!). I may have mentioned the cooking chocolate I got some years back once or twice (or a thousand times – the idea that someone gave me this as a  present still rankles).

However, I am very pleased to announce that I no longer hold the title for ‘ Recipient of Worst Valentine’s Day Gift Ever’ That, for the moment, goes to my twitter Pal BintiM’s friend who received sufurias as a symbol of her man’s undying love. Sufurias!! I did not dare ask how she reacted to the gift , ( I am a little squeamish – plus I would rather not know what she did with the body, thank you very much) Seeing, as I am feeling very Agony Aunt-ish today , though, I will give this piece of unsolicited advice to my dear brothers: if you are giving a woman a romantic gift, it is advisable to pick one that cannot be used to brain you.

But ladies, maybe I am being too hasty in crowning our new champion. There could be someone out there thinking ‘Sufurias? Please – compared to what I got , that gift is on the same level with a thousand red and white roses and enough bling to permanently blind you’  Well, if you think you are a serious contender, tell us all about it, and let the people decide whether you are the rightful owner of this award.

But I digress. Today, I would like to focus on that great cornerstone of Valentine’s day- the cheesy love lines . I was reminded of this the other day, when my pal showed me a book review which had the following great line:-

You are the Fu to my Kung

(OK _ I have paraphrased the line – but trust me the words Kung and Fu appeared together in one sentence, and not immediately following each other)

Ladies, I can hear a lot of swooning going on, as many of you are overcome by the sheer ROMANCE of that line. I mean, it is only a woman with a heart of stone who would not melt at such poetry,right? Err … for the clueless guy in the corner taking notes, use that line and you can be sure you will be dropped-kicked by your lady faster than Bruce Lee can scream ‘Kia eee!!!!’

I tweeted that epic line on Saturday, and my pal Buggz – a man who, by the way, urgently needs a sanity transplant – reciprocated by tweeting this beauty of a line:

Baby, you are hot with a capital HO

*swoon*

Of course that got me curious as to the worst lines that have ever been uttered , so I got googling. After an intense 10 minutes of searching , I came across some lines that just have to be shared to be believed. My three favourites?

You are so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear

You’re like my dandruff, I cant get you out of my head

My love for you is like diarrhea, I can’t hold it in!

And they said romance was dead!

But to be fair, guys should not be blamed for their sometimes over-inventive mistari. I think bad lines are a recessive genome found somewhere in that ‘y’ chromosome they have  (what am I talking about? Who the heck knows!) . Some guys escape, but many are driven by said genome to write or say some lines that seriously need to be taken out and shot.

I am sorry guys if I appear to have been a little too hard on you today. It’s just that  a few hundred thousand men have given  the rest of you a really bad name. And any way, in my defence, it is a well known fact that Valentine’s Day is a day many of you detest, so it’s not as if I am ruining anything for you.

Also I don’t really think that bad lines are the preserve of men. If women had to throw darts (as we used to say back in the day) I suspect some of our efforts would rival the worst of the stuff our guys come up with. In fact, the cheesiest song I know is actually by sung a gal , and has this memorable verse :

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing

Thats a Fact

Its a thing we can’t deny

Like the fact that I will love you till I die

Oh wait … the lyrics were actually written by a man. Oops ! Sorry guys – I tried.

Anyway, today I am hoping that you can help me do in my Individual Social Responsibility deed for the day. There are, I’m sure, hundreds of guys who have as yet not found the ultimate cheesy line with which to bemuse, bewilder, befuddle and bedazzle their loved ones this evening. I think it’s only right that we help them out.

Guys, what is the second most corny line you have ever heard ? ( I won’t ask you for the corniest, since I know you are saving that one for this evening when you move in for the kill) Girls, what is the one lyric that if a guy threw at you would either shoot him or marry him immediately , because anyone that clueless does not deserve to live without a keeper? Post some of them in the comments section and consider your good deed of the day done.

For those of you intending to have a nice evening with their loved one, have a wonderful romantic time. Forthe 40 odd percent who intend to spend said evening with their mipango wa kando , remember to keep your receipts handy, just in case one Mr Gathu decides to come auditing at midnight (what is it with celebs and stalking not-so-innocent wananchi at questionable hours of the night?)

For the rest of us, enjoy an evening doing whatever you want to do , just make it work for you. Personally, I shall be eating chocolate, watching some Nigerian lady get two-timed by a handsome sleazeball and generally lamenting that my current soap does not have any one named Alejandro behaving like an idiot.

Happy Valentine’s Day !!

 

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